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What If? A Musical Revue

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What If? A Musical Revue - Lyrics

      

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   The Song Lyrics

     

What if Frank Loesser had written Sweeney Todd? 

(Sung to the tune of Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat):

I dreamed last night that a customer named Turpin,
Came in the shop, for he spied my barber chair.
And as he sat, well, I sharpened up my razor,
For the Judge he had his jury right there!

And I said to the Judge, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
Said to the Judge, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
And my razor'll work such wonders,
And your blood will flow down your fancy coat!
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!

And then I dreamed Mrs. Lovett made a meat pie,
And in this pie there were fingers, toes, and knees.
And people came and they ate up all the meat pies,
So we needed more ingredients to please...

And I said to the folks, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
Said to the folks, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
Just relax while I strop my razor,
Just a little nick and that's all she wrote!
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!

And still I dreamed, this time of a beggar woman,
Who sung of muffs and a jig-jig in the hay.
And as she sung, well I realized, she's crazy,
How could I have known this was Judgment Day?

And I said to my wife, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
Said to my wife, sit down,
Sit down, I'm slittin' your throat!
And I suddenly felt the panic
Of a sinking man on a sinking boat
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down I'm slittin' my throat!
Sit down, I'm slittin' my throat!


 

What If Sheldon Harnick and Jerry Bock Had Written "A Chorus Line"

(Sung to the tune of "Tradition")

ZACH

A dancer on the stage? Sounds crazy, no? But in our little theater on Broadway, all these boys and girls want is to be dancers on the stage, each of them trying to earn their place in the chorus. It isn't easy. You may ask how do they get there? How do they earn their place? That I can tell you in one word: Audition.

THE DANCERS

AUDITION, AUDITION! AUDITION!
AUDITION, AUDITION! AUDITION!

ZACH

Because of our auditions, dancers are always putting themselves on the line. They wear these leotards and tights, which makes it easier for them to dance.

WHO EVERY DAY MUST TAKE A LOT OF CLASSES,
SWEAT THEIR LITTLE BUTTS OFF
LEARN A LOT OF STEPS.
AND WHO EVERY DAY MUST GO TO OPEN CALLS,
THAT'S IF THEY WANT TO GET THE JOB?

THE DANCERS

THE DANCERS, THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!
THE DANCERS, THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!

WHO MUST KNOW THE WAY TO DO BALLET AND TAP,
AND ALSO SING, AND ALSO DANCE?
WHO MUST KNOW THE WAY TO SHMOOZE AND PLAY THE GAME,
SO THEY WILL HIRE US TO DO THEIR SHOW?

THE DANCERS, THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!
THE DANCERS, THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!

CONNIE

AT SIX I GOT A BROADWAY SHOW,
I DANCED IN KING AND I.
I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR SO DAMN LONG
I HOPE HE TAKES ME.

THE DANCERS

THE DANCERS! THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!
THE DANCERS! THE DANCERS!
AUDITION!

CASSIE

I ONCE HAD SEX WITH ZACH,
WE FELL IN LOVE, IT'S TRUE.
BUT THEN WE WENT AND SPLIT UP
NOW MY CAREER IS THROUGH.

PLEASE LET ME, PLEASE LET ME,
AUDITION!
PLEASE LET ME, PLEASE LET ME,
AUDITION!

ZACH

Of course, not all dancers are made equal. Some have more talent than others. Some are able to pick up the steps faster. For example, there was the time when one thought it was a step and the other thought it was a kickÖ

VARIOUS DANCERS

It was a stepÖ
It was a kickÖ
It was a stepÖ
It was a kickÖ
It was a step - a kick - a step - a kickÖ
Step - kick - step - kick -
Step kick kick leap kick touch...

ZACH

Auditions. Without our auditions their lives would be as shaky asÖ As a dancer on the stage

 

What if Irving Berlin had written West Side Story? 

(Sung to the tune of You Can't Get A Man With A Gun):

When Jets start to grumble,
There's gonna be a rumble,
So you'd best pack a knife or gun.
'Cause when they rumble hard - oh
You know Riff and Bernardo
Will be dead when that rumble is done.

When Jets start in dancin'
There's no time for romancin'
When one's White and one's Mexicun.
And when Tony starts hummin'
And singin' something's comin'
Then you know he'll end up on the run.

On the run,
On the run,
People die and then he's on the run

But he'd drink Sangria,
If he could wed Maria
In the hot Puerto Rican sun.
But because of the tiff and
Bernardo stabbing Riff and
Tony killing her bro
What the schmo doesn't know
Is that Chino is packing a gun.

When finger's start snappin'
Then something's bound to happen
All that tension can't be much fun.
Still Maria feels pretty
While somewhere in the city
Chino's still on the prowl with that gun.

The Jets try to stay cool
With dancing that is way cool
While this tragedy's almost done.
But while Tony's confessing
Maria is undressing -
On the street Chino waits with his gun.

With his gun,
With his gun -
They have sex while he waits with his gun.

Anita gets taunted,
And Chino is undaunted
As he fires his loaded gun.
Tony runs for Maria
He's one dead quesedilla
Tony's shot in the chest
She's depressed - very stressed,
And yes now West Side Story is done.

 

What if Alan Menken and Howard Ashman had written Phantom of the Opera?

(Sung to the tune of Belle):

Who is that person hiding in the shadows,
Why is he near that chandelier?
Who is he behind the mask
Do you really have to ask?
It's the Phantom of The Opera, my dear.

He loves Christine because she sings so sweetly
She makes the music of the night.
So he takes her to his lair
With his great big organ there,
Then she takes his mask off and gets quite a fright.

Oh, what a dreadful nightmare,
Such a horrid face - yet, so well dressed.
Will she remain a captive?
Or will she be rescued by Raoul who she loves best...

He can appear and disappear at random,
He likes to hang the stagehands, too.
He is known as Opera Ghost,
If you cross him you are toast.
He's the Phantom of The Opera
He's the Phantom of The Opera
That's the Phantom of The Opera to you!

What if Stephen Sondheim had written Bye, Bye Birdie?

(Sung to the tune of Company):

Birdie, Birdie,
Birdie baby, Birdie buby-
Conrad, Conrad darling -
Birdie I've got something to tell you,
Birdie they are going to draft you...
Birdie they are going to take you away,
Birdie there is something we wanted to say...
Birdie honey, Birdie fella, is it Bye Bye?
Birdie darling, Birdie buby, I'm gonna cry -
Birdie babe I need you to help me
Have you ever heard of Sweet Apple?
Birdie can you go there on Saturday night?
Birdie if you can things will turn out all right!
Birdie can you go to Sweet Apple,
And while you're there sing a song?
Birdie will you go to Sweet Apple
And kiss a girl named Kim,
Please kiss a girl named Kim,
She loooooooooooooves you...

Hips thrust, groin moves, in comes Conrad B.
Girls lust, he grooves, in comes Conrad B.
One tune, they swoon, happily
They gawk, they talk - telephone calls...
They scheme, they dream when they see
Conrad's photos up on their walls.
So cute,
So cute, look at those lips,
So cute, shaking those hips,
Our Conrad is cute - and we're his
Good and crazy people his fans!
Those good and crazy people his teenage fans!
And that's what it's all about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, isn't it?
That's what it's really about, really about...
Conrad B!
Conrad B!
We love Conrad B.
We need Conrad B.
We want Conrad B.
Conrad B.

Born Too Late

Music and Lyrics by Bruce Kimmel

Iíve always felt I was born too late
That this is not my time
That this is not my place
I hate the music Ė hate the clothes they wear
They just canít compare
With the way it was in my favorite era
Donít you think itís sad when they clear away
Everything thatís great
But what if I could find a time machine
And go back in time, to the time that was prime
To the wonderful time where Iím

At the disco
I want disco
I want danciní and romanciní at the disco
Where the colored lights are turning
The feverís always burning
On Saturday night, baby, everythingís right

At the disco
Gimme disco
Where the white suits are the right suits at the disco
Where the beat is always thumpiní
The joint is always jumpiní
The air is alive, címon, baby, letís drive

Down the Disco Highway
Heariní disco music On the Radio
You know you Canít Stop the Music at the YMCA
Itís a Disco Inferno, so Shake Your Booty today
With my hair so big it looks like a hive
Got the Night Fever, baby, and I Will Survive

(dance break)

At the disco
I love disco
Iím arriviní and Iím thriviní at the disco
While the Macho Men keep moviní
The Bee Gees keep on grooviní
How deep is your love Ė thatís what Iím dreaminí of

At the disco
Bring back disco
Like a joltía John Travolta at the disco
Where you love to do The Hustle
Give Bad Girls all your muscle
And dance all night long Ė baby, what can go wrong


I want disco
Gimme disco
I love disco
Bring back disco
Save the Last Dance for me
At the disco Ė Ďcause thatís where I want to be!

 


For booking information please contact Benita Scheckel at benita@maestro.ws

   


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